Open arms are prison cells

by xanthan gum

Published August 18, 2006

In Old Poetry

We lap ,
like dogs, the salt out of the wounds.

covering mine and your lips nearing mine,

Mine, mine, mine. Ick
I wish you could know how,
sitting in this too-small recliner with your shoulder
covering mine and your lips nearing mine,
I loved the sun and salt and even your waves

This isn't clear. I know you meant "I wish you could know how..(here)...I loved the sun and salt and even your waves." But the wordiness, especially with "even", cuts back at the flow.
in-between bubble gum kisses

valley-girl.

I loved this. At least you've written.

Comments & reviews · 4
electricbluemonkey wrote a review Review · Aug 19, 2006

Ah, this is good. Nice word choice and spacing. Very dirty indeed.

Incandescence wrote:sitting in this too-small recliner with your shoulder
covering mine and your lips nearing mine,
I loved the sun and salt and even your waves
as they pushed at my back --
get out!


Two 'mines' in the same sentence. Hmm, how about 'covering mine and your lips nearing my mouth'? Also, the last three sentences or so got confusing.

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faith
Comment
faith commented Comment · Aug 18, 2006

Ah, the old Brad is back (yes that's a good thing....sort of). As long as your whininess doesn't transcend into AIM conversations, it's very pretty.

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Snoink
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Snoink commented Comment · Aug 18, 2006

How dirty...

Still! Pretty good! Talking about the triangle thingy?



Keep your face always toward the sunshine - and the shadows will fall beyond you.
— Walt Whitman